SBD -- Dear paranormal authors

[jmc_bks]

Dear Paranormal Authors --

Thank you so much for the invaluable information you have provided me with about things that go bump in the night. I've learned all kinds of things while reading your paranormal romance and your horror with romantic threads. The easiest lessons coming to mind are about vampires, the most popular of your creatures.

Here's what I've learned:

1. All paranormal female creatures named Lilith are the Queen of All Things Evil. Hell, generally female vampires are evil, forget those named Lilith. ETA: except Meljean Brook's Lilith. Check out Demon Angel and see.

2. It's okay to drag out the sexual tension of the story arc by creating multiple potential "heroes"...then freaking killing them.

3. Only bad vampires drink human blood. Good ones subsist on pig blood...and like it.

4. Vampires want to rule the world. And deserve to do so because humans (except for the human heroine who sees beyond the vampire hero's tortured outer shell) are stupid.

5. Humans are gullible enough to believe anything a vampire says, as long as they've got the mojo going. Gaping holes in the neck? Normal. Property remaining in the hands on one person for 200 years? Just a descendant with the same name.

6. Vampires are better (read: more suave, courtly and polite) than werewolves. And the oldest ones all come from medieval France.

7. Vampires all have flamboyant taste in clothes, leaning toward the sexy.

8. Vampires like BDSM.

9. All art and creativity secretly stems from vampires. da Vinci? Vamp. Michelangelo? Vamp.

10. If there some Evil that even a vampire hero cannot face down, the human heroine will magically develop a power to combat it...usually through sex.

11. Vampire heroes love snark in a potential heroine. The snark never wears thin into bitchiness or whininess.

ETA:
12. That garlic myth? Yes, myth. Total smoke screen. (Courtesy of Bev(BB)).

13. As vampires get older, they are better able to resist the damage of sunlight. They stay awake longer and can even briefly bear direct sunlight. Oh, wait, I've also read books with the opposite world-building. Never mind. (Courtesy of KateR)

Thank you all so much for revealing these basic foundations of vampire life. With this knowledge, I can go on and read almost any paranormal or horror book, knowing that there are certain rules that will always be followed.

Very truly yours,
JMC

Comments

Vampires etc...

[binoguegate.livejournal.com]

Your list made me laugh out loud.I am nt a fan f vampire or werewolf literature but loved reading this .!

Off the subject but have you read The Secret History by Donna Tart.It just popped into my head for some inexplicable reason.

Re: Vampires etc...

[jmc-bks.livejournal.com]

I think I have The Secret History TBR. Of course, I have lots of stuff TBR. Would you recommend it?

Re: Vampires etc...

[binoguegate.livejournal.com]

Indeed- it is a most excellent book,beautifully written, and really rather darak a story. The eloquence of language is pure delight.The author was but about 24 when she wrote it.

giggle

[(Anonymous)]

Hee hee.

I have to admit to getting tired of Vampires just after The Vampire Lestat. So I've not read as many paranormals as most.

On the other hand, I can see the attraction to both the writer and the reader to use a powerful vampire as almost a stand-in for the hero who used to be played by the arrogant, willful, powerful, and dangerously sexy titled lord in Historicals.

But much of the time the whole thing becomes gigglicious.

Suisan

Re: giggle

[jmc-bks.livejournal.com]

Suisan,

Gigglicious, I like that word :)

I agree with you about the vampire as stand in for Lord Arrogant the Powerful and understand their appeal as macho, alpha heroes. The supernatural/paranormal powers are placeholders for the money or title or wealth that a titled hero would have in an historical novel.

I read Laura V's post on paranormals over the weekend and got to thinking about vampires as creatures. On a basic level, what vampires do (drink blood) is gross. How does the human heroine see this and reconcile it with the human-like things that attract her? Of course, if the heroine is also a vampire, I wouldn't expect any qualms on that front.

[miladyinsanity.livejournal.com]

ROFL!

I would like to point out that number 1 has been broken by Meljean Brook.

[jmc-bks.livejournal.com]

Forgot! I'm post an exception for her.

[eackerman.livejournal.com]

>>10. If there some Evil that even a vampire hero cannot face down, the human heroine will magically develop a power to combat it...usually through sex.

11. Vampire heroes love snark in a potential heroine. The snark never wears thin into bitchiness or whininess.<<

*Snrk* I know what you've been reading.

Great list. Thanks for sharing this. One of the things I enjoyed most about Laurel Hamilton's Guilty Pleasures back when it was fun to read LKH was the opening--how the vampire Anita was talking to was still a schlub with no fashion sense, just like he had been when he was alive.

[jmc-bks.livejournal.com]

Actually, I had two authors in mind generally, but I haven't read either of them lately. I'm trying to read Gleason's vampire hunter book, but keep setting it aside for more interesting things. I heard lots of good buzz about the book, but I'm bored. Of course, it could just be that I have the attention span of a gnat lately.

I've given up on LKH, even the old stuff because I couldn't read it without wondering how she ended up where she is today.

[(Anonymous)]

Doug here. I like the new look (and I'm doubtless revealing my long absence by saying so!)

Nice to see I haven't missed anything by avoiding all this vampire schlock. Nope, haven't even read Anne Rice. I recall reading a review about an obese vampire in New Orleans who got fat drinking the lipid-rich blood of the NO natives, and that was the closest I ever came to buying a vampire novel. That, at least, smacked of originality.

I also liked the teensy vampire dog in that Blade sequel (Trinity?)

But, yeah, vampires are so 20th century.

Doug

[jmc-bks.livejournal.com]

Hiya, Doug!

Thanks re the look. I've changed a couple of times, fiddling with the format, this most recent look is only a couple weeks old :)

I'm trying to read a vampire hunter novel now that just keeps getting set aside. I'm just bored, and not even good word of mouth about this one is enough to get me motivated.

If vampires are 20th century, what's the new creature for the 21st? Inquiring minds....

jmc

from Carrie http://lovelysalome.blogspot.com

[(Anonymous)]

I think Suisan has it right, that the paranormal heroes are stand-ins for the badass alphas of old. The "forced seduction" crowd. Sigh. What ever happened to the "sexy, undiscovered nerd hero" trend? Oh, wait... I'm still waiting.

Re: from Carrie http://lovelysalome.blogspot.com

[jmc-bks.livejournal.com]

Undiscovered nerd hero? Um, I'm thinking....still thinking.... I can think of an undiscovered nerd hero of a secondary plot (David from Brockmann's The Unsung Hero), but I'm blanking otherwise.

[msmoby.livejournal.com]

Heee! Come up with 2 more, and you can recycle this post for Thursday! Save an electron, reuse a post. :)

I thought I'd figured out which vampire romance you'd read that prompted the post... then I kept remembering more and more that it applied to. Guess that made the point. I'm still giggling.

--Darla
http://nichtszusagen.blogspot.com

[jmc-bks.livejournal.com]

Actually, reading the comments, I've got more than two more potential things to add :)

I'm reading Gleason's vampire hunter book, but haven't gotten far enough into it to say that it prompted the post. I'm kind of bored by the book, actually, and it started me down the wandering road of vampires generally. Some of the #'s are directed toward two series...I'm sure you can guess which series.

[(Anonymous)]

But why is the rum gone? Oh, wait, that's pirates. Okay, but why is the garlic gone? ;p

Er, ahem, #whatever: garlic doesn't really affect vampires or affects them strangely or . . . well, you get the idea

I am sooo over vampires. Not that I ever actually read all that many of them, though. Now, shifters. Can't seem to get enough of those lately.

Bev (BB)

[jmc-bks.livejournal.com]

Totally forgot about the garlic!

[(Anonymous)]

my favorite vampiric thing lately has been reading a message board on which vampire fans complained about authors who TAKE LIBERTIES and change the rules. "that's so unrealistic," they say about a vampire who walks around during the day.

Um.

I like Kathy Love's vampires, but I just like Kathy Love's writing. The undead have never done much for me.

kate r

[jmc-bks.livejournal.com]

:snicker: Take liberties? Change rules? What rules? It's fiction, not gravity.

I haven't tried Kathy Love. I'll have to see what's available at the library.

Vampires? I liked the first couple of Anne Rice Lestat books, but bored after Queen of the Damned. I've managed to avoid most of the popular vampire-ish series (Kenyon, MacAlister) and long since stopped reading Anita Blake...but even reading the odd stand alone is ~meh~.

[(Anonymous)]

A) Very funny.
B) Also didn't get Colleen Gleason's greatness unlike most everyone else.
C) Loved Donna Tartt's A Secret History. Phenomenal book.
D) You will absolutely love Colin, the Meljean Brook vampire, because he drinks human blood and likes it and is about the only vampire to do so.

Jane

[(Anonymous)]

Speaking of vampires, there was a really good 2 hour documentary thingie on them on one of the "learning" channels around Halloween. (We recorded it on TIVO but I honestly can never keep straight which one those things are on. It was either History, National Geo or Discovery. They're usually the one I get something like that off of.) Anyway, it covered a lot of this stuff plus some interesting things about the origin of the myths around the world that I'd never even heard of. Plus talked about contemporary Goth culture etc.