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jmc_bksI hadn't blogged about it before, but my new year's resolution was to be a better daughter and granddaughter. I love my family, but I'm also happy not to live in the closest of proximity. Fifty miles away is a good distance, I think. Close enough to visit often, but not so close that my presence is automatic on all occasions. But the resolution was to call and visit Mommom more. And do the same with Mom.
But that's all about my close family, my mom's side of the family. Not so close to Dad's family. He may still have family in the area, I think; it would make sense, since he was from there originally. I vaguely remember that his older brother's ex-wife had extended family there (I recall an Easter egg hunt with them), but we've long since lost touch. If I asked, Mom would probably know if they were still around. I think there's an uncle in Philadelphia somewhere, along with one in Florida. Not sure where the fourth is, or where any of their children are. Last I heard, Dad's mother was in Florida, where his second ex-wife and their two children live. Dad's been in Houston probably for the last ten years or so, employed by Big Oil. He's married to a very nice woman who wants him to be closer to his children. We exchange cards and calls on holidays and birthdays. I try to visit if he's in town when I visit The Biochemist, but he travels a lot for work. He was home for Christmas; his wife left a message for The Biochemist, but when I returned the call, I ended up leaving messages on the home phone (or what I thought was the home phone) and his cell. I don't believe that The Biochemist sees him regularly either, for all that they live closer.
Mostly I feel ambivalent about him. Objectively speaking, he's a nice man who made shitty decisions in his youth. He has good intentions, and openly admits that The Biochemist, The Computer Guy and I turned out alright because of Mom, giving her full credit for us. And our estrangement isn't his fault alone. But I don't know where to fit him in my life -- I have a father figure, a man who picked me up from Girl Scouts, and pushed me on the swing, and brought me a stuffed animal when I was in the hospital, and schlepped all of my stuff from home to dorm room to apartment. I guess he could be a friend, except we have nothing in common, not religion, not politics, not personal likes or dislikes...just biology. When I look at him, I feel like I should know him and should want to know him better. The Computer Guy grows to look more like him every day. The Biochemist looks like a great aunt of his, as we discovered when an old, old family photo was found. Even my reserve and inability to talk to the people I love best seems to mirror his; it certainly doesn't come from Mom, who has no problem expressing affection. So he is a part of my resolution, too. Be a better daughter and get to know him as a person. Get past the cliched daddy issues, let go of the resentment that I'm expected to be more mature than he was at the same age and make better, more generous decisions than he did.
Why mention this now? Have I abandoned at the resolution already? No. I'm just thinking about it because I received a note in the mail. With a reminder that he's moving. With a new phone number -- sorry we missed each other at Christmas, he only just checked his voicemail, so he didn't realize that I called. :sigh: Actually, I do appreciate the note. The thing that I'm ambivalent about is the gift card included. It's no more than Mom spent on Christmas gifts, but some how, it feels different. Mostly, I feel guilty accepting gifts from him. Tchotckes, souvenirs, they are okay. Gift cards? Uh, less so. And I can't really explain it, other than to say it feels like a bribe almost. Like a guilt-gift on his part for the years with little or no contact, when he paid the court-mandated, minimum, poverty-line amount child support? Guilt for The Computer Guy's braces that Mom paid in installments for two years? Guilt for the uncovered hospital bills that Mom paid for a year after my emergency appendectomy? I don't know, maybe I'm reading into it and he doesn't feel that way. :shrug: I can tell myself that I've forgiven all of that, but I'm not sure it's true. I've never spoken the words to him. We don't talk about stuff like that. It's the huge elephant in the room. So now I have this gift card, and I'm not sure if I'll actually spend it or just carry it around in my wallet.
But that's all about my close family, my mom's side of the family. Not so close to Dad's family. He may still have family in the area, I think; it would make sense, since he was from there originally. I vaguely remember that his older brother's ex-wife had extended family there (I recall an Easter egg hunt with them), but we've long since lost touch. If I asked, Mom would probably know if they were still around. I think there's an uncle in Philadelphia somewhere, along with one in Florida. Not sure where the fourth is, or where any of their children are. Last I heard, Dad's mother was in Florida, where his second ex-wife and their two children live. Dad's been in Houston probably for the last ten years or so, employed by Big Oil. He's married to a very nice woman who wants him to be closer to his children. We exchange cards and calls on holidays and birthdays. I try to visit if he's in town when I visit The Biochemist, but he travels a lot for work. He was home for Christmas; his wife left a message for The Biochemist, but when I returned the call, I ended up leaving messages on the home phone (or what I thought was the home phone) and his cell. I don't believe that The Biochemist sees him regularly either, for all that they live closer.
Mostly I feel ambivalent about him. Objectively speaking, he's a nice man who made shitty decisions in his youth. He has good intentions, and openly admits that The Biochemist, The Computer Guy and I turned out alright because of Mom, giving her full credit for us. And our estrangement isn't his fault alone. But I don't know where to fit him in my life -- I have a father figure, a man who picked me up from Girl Scouts, and pushed me on the swing, and brought me a stuffed animal when I was in the hospital, and schlepped all of my stuff from home to dorm room to apartment. I guess he could be a friend, except we have nothing in common, not religion, not politics, not personal likes or dislikes...just biology. When I look at him, I feel like I should know him and should want to know him better. The Computer Guy grows to look more like him every day. The Biochemist looks like a great aunt of his, as we discovered when an old, old family photo was found. Even my reserve and inability to talk to the people I love best seems to mirror his; it certainly doesn't come from Mom, who has no problem expressing affection. So he is a part of my resolution, too. Be a better daughter and get to know him as a person. Get past the cliched daddy issues, let go of the resentment that I'm expected to be more mature than he was at the same age and make better, more generous decisions than he did.
Why mention this now? Have I abandoned at the resolution already? No. I'm just thinking about it because I received a note in the mail. With a reminder that he's moving. With a new phone number -- sorry we missed each other at Christmas, he only just checked his voicemail, so he didn't realize that I called. :sigh: Actually, I do appreciate the note. The thing that I'm ambivalent about is the gift card included. It's no more than Mom spent on Christmas gifts, but some how, it feels different. Mostly, I feel guilty accepting gifts from him. Tchotckes, souvenirs, they are okay. Gift cards? Uh, less so. And I can't really explain it, other than to say it feels like a bribe almost. Like a guilt-gift on his part for the years with little or no contact, when he paid the court-mandated, minimum, poverty-line amount child support? Guilt for The Computer Guy's braces that Mom paid in installments for two years? Guilt for the uncovered hospital bills that Mom paid for a year after my emergency appendectomy? I don't know, maybe I'm reading into it and he doesn't feel that way. :shrug: I can tell myself that I've forgiven all of that, but I'm not sure it's true. I've never spoken the words to him. We don't talk about stuff like that. It's the huge elephant in the room. So now I have this gift card, and I'm not sure if I'll actually spend it or just carry it around in my wallet.
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no subject
Date: 2007-01-11 09:28 am (UTC)This year I made the decision to cut all ties (we've been playing this game for 8 years). I knew she would never do it because I figured she would need plausible deniability (our families are best friends so they see each other all the time). This way she can say it was me who finally did us in.
Still, I found out she got engaged to be married in November and I cried on and off for three days afterwards. She was my maid of honor, she was the first person I called when I got engaged. Meanwhile I have not heard from her and I have never met the man she is going to marry which is a cruel joke on it's own (I once pretended I had got secretly engaged (I was a stupid 20 year old) and she burst into tears because she had never heard of the guy or met him - yeah, I know, the joke is usually on me). Let's not even get into the fact that the man has a child and she never A) wanted to get married or B) have children. So I guess I truly don't know her now.
I don't really have advice about the gift card or about your father. I think you have to look at your life and see if he is a negative person or a positive person. When I realize that my friend made me cry more than smile I knew that I had to cut her from my life. I did this to my mother also (I didn't cut her right out but I stopped visiting her and now we see each other during vacations and such and she only lives 5 minutes away also) because I would end up coming home from visits with her in tears and realizing that I didn't need that in my life.
I'm sorry that you have to deal with this and wonder about motives or guilt. He made the decisions that he did and he has to accept whatever it is you decide to allow him.
CindyS
no subject
Date: 2007-01-11 12:58 pm (UTC)I think in some ways it may be harder to let go of a friend...because that is someone you have chosen to let into your life, unlike family. Sorry to hear about one time best friend.
The thing about my father is that I don't know him well enough to know if he's a positive or negative person. Dinner or lunch every couple of years (beginning about 10 years ago) isn't very revealing. I guess I need to make an effort to get to know him and then make that decision.
Thanks for your advice and empathy,
jmc
no subject
Date: 2007-01-11 07:08 pm (UTC)Re: the gift card: would you feel better using it and then donating what you bought? (if that would work, of course, and it's not for a particular store with products that just wouldn't do for donations) That way the gift will be put to good use, and you won't have to feel as if you were bribed.
no subject
Date: 2007-01-11 10:40 pm (UTC)I hadn't thought about that for the gift card -- what an excellent idea! It's for a store that is varied enough that I could purchase things that my favorite non-profit can use. Thanks for the inspiration!